Back in 2017 (doesn’t that seem like 10 years ago?), I wrote this on Facebook:
This December, as you shop for gifts, pause before each purchase and ask, “What am I really trying to buy?” Like the year I bought tons of board games. What I was really trying to buy was happy family moments. (For the most part, I succeeded. Except Monopoly which made us want to kill each other.) I’m not one of these minimalists “don’t shop” people, but I think there’s a good chance that many of us are going to try to buy Normalcy this year. Because this year has SO not been normal. We want to buy a time when we didn’t look with dread every single damn day at the news. When presidential tweets were rare and boring. You can’t buy normal. Just ask yourself the question. Buying an Instant Pot, because you’re really trying to buy relaxed, wholesome dinners? Well, I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance of that one. (Decent odds.) Just take the time to think about what you’re really trying to buy.
Oh, you poor sweet Mama. What you didn’t know then …
I’ve talked before about my misadventures in trying to buy something that isn’t really for sale. Despite myself, every September when it’s still horridly hot outside, you’ll still see me trying to buy autumn through picking up everything “pumpkin spice” I can find.
This year, we simply cannot buy what we most wish for – life without the threat of covid-19. Life that is normal. Life where we can be with all of our friends and family, hug them, and breathe the same air without a spare thought.
Let’s accept that, and admit to ourselves what we really want. Keep asking “why?” until you get down to your ultimate desire. Because even saying, “I want to be celebrating Christmas with this particular person” still has other wishes underneath it, like:
Because I enjoy being with them…
Because they’re a really great person…
And I want them to KNOW that I want to be with them. I want them to feel loved.
Aha! Once we get to that final wish, we can sometimes find creative ways to address it, even in these hard times. The way to “buy” what you really want may be to write someone a long letter, spelling out what it is that you love about them, and what they mean in your life. It may be that you can “buy” what you want with time, not money, perhaps with a long phone call, or arranging to watch a special movie at the exact same time. (There’s even technology that can enhance that experience: https://www.netflixparty.com/)
I’m not against gifts, in fact, it’s one of my favorite love languages. But the more we can be mindful about identifying precisely what it is that we’re trying to capture, the better the gift. And right now, I suspect that what we long for the most is presence, not presents.